Joy

You know I realized something recently.
I cannot create joy, or happiness in my life.
No matter how much I try, or whatever I do. I'm incapable of it.

My joy.
My happiness.
It comes from the Lord.
Only He can gift it to me.
I just need to ask.

I found myself yesterday in a familiar downward spiral and nothing I did seemed to stop it. I felt as if I would just burst into tears at any moment. Over nothing. I cannot pinpoint a singular event in the past week that would have thrown me down so hard. Yet I could barely bring myself to fake a smile. I was surrounded by the love of my family and the normal pleasure I took from watching them was gone.

I spoke with my father, as I often do when I'm overwhelmed by unexplainable emotions. I told him I wanted to go into a black hole. A void. I didn't want to sleep, or play, or anything.. because that would still be feeling of some kind. I just wanted.. nothing. He shook his head in frustration. He wanted to fix it, and I wanted him to! Sadly, it's nothing he or I can fix. But that's ok.

It wasn't until early this morning when I prayed again. I always feel conflicted when asking God for anything. I'm so undeserving, but sometimes I just can't help it. I prayed for peace, and joy. I told Him I wanted to feel that again. Little miracles. Now, mere hours after this familiar ordeal of seeking the emptiness of non-existence I find myself giddy. Everything seems to make me smile. I'm grinning now as I write this, trying to hold back laughter. Wait.. why am I holding this back?! ...forget the blog, I'm gonna go laugh.

My Cup Runneth Over

Passage Psalm 23:5
⁵Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

My cup runneth over; A hard analogy to understand if you’ve never experienced it yourself.

I have complete understanding of this feeling now. I am literally overflowing with joy.
So many realizations have come to me lately and each that stacks on top of the other just makes life that much more amazing.

First, a friend gives me a simple, yet immense notion to simply “Have Fun”.
Easy right? ..not for me! But lately I’m silencing the analytical part of my brain with a confident “you know what? .. shut up and have fun.” ..Logic has little response to that.

Next, I discover that it’s not only OK to be who you are AND how you were made, but the Lord actually looks forward to seeing you simply… be you. If you’re good at painting, then paint! If you like to read, then read! The Lord delights in our simple pleasures and we can experience them in their fullness knowing He is enjoying it as much as we are.

And just today, I have spread my creative wings further than I have ever before. The artistic limitations of a left-handed person on a PC are a lot higher than you’d think. Trying to draw with a hand you can’t even write your name with is incredibly frustrating. Now, with a clever digital tablet at my disposal, I can’t even decide where to begin.


I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I can finally breathe. I’m allowed to be happy. I can take joy in using the gifts I’ve been given. Everything around me seems to hold a new fascination.. as if I’m seeing it all for the first time.

Considering the depths of the hole I have recently found myself, I feel a million miles away from those dark places. The daily pains and troubles seem so trivial.. so unimportant in comparison to the grandeur of this feeling that has washed over me.


What’s next? No idea. But I’m ready. C’mon world!

Wandering Thoughts

Just random scribblings on the drive/arrival home after my trip to Mayo.




I've just returned from my trip to the Mayo Clinic, a wonderfully exhausting experience. I've been strapped and scanned, poked, pricked, prodded and bled. Electrocuted and 'burned' and thoroughly examined from head to toe. In two days time, I'm so physically and mentally drained. I feel as if I've been swimming in water the whole time. Headaches plague me in my fatigue and I long for sleep. Less than an hour from home in our nearly four hour drive. I'm so looking forward to seeing Nina again. I know she and Oreo will be pleased to see me. They are the charger for my heart and it is seriously depleted. My body is so tired and spent it can barely process any input.

I don't want to talk or listen, see nor hear. I long for the void, where nothing can reach me. I pray the abyss finds me tonight and I can rest. Truly, deeply rest. "There's no place like home." I almost weep at the thought. Libertad.Be Free.







Though my faith in the medical community has not been restored yet; there is still the glimmer of hope. I'm not hoping for a cure or miracle change. But if any improvement can be made on the symptoms I struggle with on a daily basis, it'll be a blessing.

I hide my pain well, too well sometimes.. Those closest to me rarely know what's wrong, other than I'm in bed and 'don't feel well'. My friends and social acquaintances simply know 'something' is wrong.

I can say, in all honesty, to those who have or would inquire; it's not that I don't want to share or open a deeper relationship. Simply, I feel I'm a burden to everyone who knows me closely.

Alot of which stems from my horrible self-esteem. "I'm not worth your trouble." Which may be true! I don't go out, my bed is my hangout. And who wants to sit in a room with a girl and her dog who won't stop licking you the whole time? But, hey, I deal with it. And to those friends who stick around, you rock!

Huge thanks to my mom and dad for toughing out the trip to the Clinic. Just knowing they were waiting outside of the exam room made the ordeal that much more bearable.

More than one occasion when the pain of the test was severe, I found myself spamming bible verse quotes in my head.

Thank you Lord, for the peace You gave me and the strength to endure all the tests.

Now it's time to sleep a few days and recover...

Oyasumi nasai.
Good Night.

Look Around You

It is good to work wholeheartedly and diligently.
However, do not become so consumed with the success of your project
that you become blind to the needs around you. I'm not saying to allow yourself
excuses to not complete things. But don't neglect to offer help where it can be used.

Is it not better to ensure the success of everyone, including yourself, rather
than focus only on your own goals, leaving others to their worries alone?

In your hour of need, when time is at your heels, your kindness may be rewarded
by the very same you helped before.

Don't expect this though, as you will find yourself sorely disappointed
when others do not complete your work for you.



I've seen this in myself, and if this is the only revelation I obtain in my life, it
will not have been in vain.

Lord open my heart to the suffering of others. Allow me the sight to know when
to look closely at those around me, and the strength to support them.




November 18, 2009

Edge of Ruin

I walk a narrow line
On the edge of ruin in my mind

I see them in their 9 to 5
Punch the clock, the endless grind

I had a chance before. I blew it, I know
I took all the gifts you gave me. And claimed them as my own

Is it wrong to want more, when you've nothing in your hands?
Should I grow content as I am, and make no future plans?

Why can't I be whole again? I've asked so many times..
Surely there is something for me, that you have in mind.

Is there a lesson I'm missing? Some plan I cannot see.
I'm horrible at waiting. But waiting is all you've left for me.

I know I sound bitter, but please don't confuse.
It's the guilt of my illness and those I must use.

I should be happy, that so many care.
Instead I am sad, for the burden they bear.

Maybe it's just pride? Am I selfish to the bone?
Is it so horribly wrong to want to stand on my own?

Sickness chains me to the bed.
While poison coats the thoughts in my head.

Daily battle fought, and never won.
Has crippled my heart, my soul is undone.

The pain is so strong inside.
But it's something I'll always hide.

I don't fear the day you call me home.
I'll know then I didn't suffer alone.

My mask so pristine, feigned so clear.
No one will ever know, what goes on in here.

The pain will come again, I know.
Violently in the dark.

It will consume my soul.
And ceased will; my heart.


Edge of Ruin
Nov 4, 2009

Reflections

6-12-2009 {more old stuff :P}

Reflections


I struggle still, with God's love.
with anyone's love..

I know my family loves me.. I know He loves me.
Yet still I feel alone.

How can I say I do not love me, when He does.
Why do I not see beauty in His own creation.

Surely the animals I see.. that I find soo amazing and beautiful.. they do not stand before the water's edge and scorn the stripes on their fur, or the length of their tails.
Why must I?

Why do I look at one of His creations and feel such great love and adoration.. yet all joy fades when I behold his most cherished creation. me.
Why do I weep when someone makes the slightest display of love to me.

So consumed by sadness.. so broken inside and out.

Such a wretched and miserable child of His I am. Crying over petty feelings and physical complaints when he has done so much for me.

There is no answer to my questions. No cure to my faults.
I am as I have always been. Shattered.

Unable to recognize the face I see in the mirror. Wishing the reflection I once saw would return. But who am I kidding? I always hated that reflection....

Breaking Waves Upon the Shore

09-01-2009

Breaking Waves Upon the Shore

Forgive me O' Lord
For I have forsaken You.

I blamed You for my troubles
And did not thank You for my blessings.

You tried to raise me up like a
father would raise his daughter.

Yet I turned from Your hand with resentment.

My heart has grown cold and bitter
Towards Your love.

Now how can this child honor
the Father she did forsake?

How will my Lord hear my praises to His name?

I pray now to you, Lord
Cleanse my heart of this poison.

Allow me to once more know Your love
So that others will know You from the warmth of my heart.

Use your servant, Lord.

I turned from You in my despair
When my blessings vanished.

Now I am naked. Struck down with nothing.
And now I see Your faithfulness.

Woeful creature, that I am.
That I could not see Your hand was guiding me all along.

You gave me a gift and I rejected You for it.
Tried to lead me with Your hands and I slapped them away.

Wretched pride consumes me. I thought I needed no one.
Yet now I see I am nothing without You.

Let this past fade, though may I always remember the grief I faced,
lest I stray from you again.

I ask you, Lord. Use me for Your works.

Let Your will guide my hand.
As Your hands guide my will.

Amen.