Joy

You know I realized something recently.
I cannot create joy, or happiness in my life.
No matter how much I try, or whatever I do. I'm incapable of it.

My joy.
My happiness.
It comes from the Lord.
Only He can gift it to me.
I just need to ask.

I found myself yesterday in a familiar downward spiral and nothing I did seemed to stop it. I felt as if I would just burst into tears at any moment. Over nothing. I cannot pinpoint a singular event in the past week that would have thrown me down so hard. Yet I could barely bring myself to fake a smile. I was surrounded by the love of my family and the normal pleasure I took from watching them was gone.

I spoke with my father, as I often do when I'm overwhelmed by unexplainable emotions. I told him I wanted to go into a black hole. A void. I didn't want to sleep, or play, or anything.. because that would still be feeling of some kind. I just wanted.. nothing. He shook his head in frustration. He wanted to fix it, and I wanted him to! Sadly, it's nothing he or I can fix. But that's ok.

It wasn't until early this morning when I prayed again. I always feel conflicted when asking God for anything. I'm so undeserving, but sometimes I just can't help it. I prayed for peace, and joy. I told Him I wanted to feel that again. Little miracles. Now, mere hours after this familiar ordeal of seeking the emptiness of non-existence I find myself giddy. Everything seems to make me smile. I'm grinning now as I write this, trying to hold back laughter. Wait.. why am I holding this back?! ...forget the blog, I'm gonna go laugh.