Joy

You know I realized something recently.
I cannot create joy, or happiness in my life.
No matter how much I try, or whatever I do. I'm incapable of it.

My joy.
My happiness.
It comes from the Lord.
Only He can gift it to me.
I just need to ask.

I found myself yesterday in a familiar downward spiral and nothing I did seemed to stop it. I felt as if I would just burst into tears at any moment. Over nothing. I cannot pinpoint a singular event in the past week that would have thrown me down so hard. Yet I could barely bring myself to fake a smile. I was surrounded by the love of my family and the normal pleasure I took from watching them was gone.

I spoke with my father, as I often do when I'm overwhelmed by unexplainable emotions. I told him I wanted to go into a black hole. A void. I didn't want to sleep, or play, or anything.. because that would still be feeling of some kind. I just wanted.. nothing. He shook his head in frustration. He wanted to fix it, and I wanted him to! Sadly, it's nothing he or I can fix. But that's ok.

It wasn't until early this morning when I prayed again. I always feel conflicted when asking God for anything. I'm so undeserving, but sometimes I just can't help it. I prayed for peace, and joy. I told Him I wanted to feel that again. Little miracles. Now, mere hours after this familiar ordeal of seeking the emptiness of non-existence I find myself giddy. Everything seems to make me smile. I'm grinning now as I write this, trying to hold back laughter. Wait.. why am I holding this back?! ...forget the blog, I'm gonna go laugh.

My Cup Runneth Over

Passage Psalm 23:5
⁵Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

My cup runneth over; A hard analogy to understand if you’ve never experienced it yourself.

I have complete understanding of this feeling now. I am literally overflowing with joy.
So many realizations have come to me lately and each that stacks on top of the other just makes life that much more amazing.

First, a friend gives me a simple, yet immense notion to simply “Have Fun”.
Easy right? ..not for me! But lately I’m silencing the analytical part of my brain with a confident “you know what? .. shut up and have fun.” ..Logic has little response to that.

Next, I discover that it’s not only OK to be who you are AND how you were made, but the Lord actually looks forward to seeing you simply… be you. If you’re good at painting, then paint! If you like to read, then read! The Lord delights in our simple pleasures and we can experience them in their fullness knowing He is enjoying it as much as we are.

And just today, I have spread my creative wings further than I have ever before. The artistic limitations of a left-handed person on a PC are a lot higher than you’d think. Trying to draw with a hand you can’t even write your name with is incredibly frustrating. Now, with a clever digital tablet at my disposal, I can’t even decide where to begin.


I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I can finally breathe. I’m allowed to be happy. I can take joy in using the gifts I’ve been given. Everything around me seems to hold a new fascination.. as if I’m seeing it all for the first time.

Considering the depths of the hole I have recently found myself, I feel a million miles away from those dark places. The daily pains and troubles seem so trivial.. so unimportant in comparison to the grandeur of this feeling that has washed over me.


What’s next? No idea. But I’m ready. C’mon world!

Wandering Thoughts

Just random scribblings on the drive/arrival home after my trip to Mayo.




I've just returned from my trip to the Mayo Clinic, a wonderfully exhausting experience. I've been strapped and scanned, poked, pricked, prodded and bled. Electrocuted and 'burned' and thoroughly examined from head to toe. In two days time, I'm so physically and mentally drained. I feel as if I've been swimming in water the whole time. Headaches plague me in my fatigue and I long for sleep. Less than an hour from home in our nearly four hour drive. I'm so looking forward to seeing Nina again. I know she and Oreo will be pleased to see me. They are the charger for my heart and it is seriously depleted. My body is so tired and spent it can barely process any input.

I don't want to talk or listen, see nor hear. I long for the void, where nothing can reach me. I pray the abyss finds me tonight and I can rest. Truly, deeply rest. "There's no place like home." I almost weep at the thought. Libertad.Be Free.







Though my faith in the medical community has not been restored yet; there is still the glimmer of hope. I'm not hoping for a cure or miracle change. But if any improvement can be made on the symptoms I struggle with on a daily basis, it'll be a blessing.

I hide my pain well, too well sometimes.. Those closest to me rarely know what's wrong, other than I'm in bed and 'don't feel well'. My friends and social acquaintances simply know 'something' is wrong.

I can say, in all honesty, to those who have or would inquire; it's not that I don't want to share or open a deeper relationship. Simply, I feel I'm a burden to everyone who knows me closely.

Alot of which stems from my horrible self-esteem. "I'm not worth your trouble." Which may be true! I don't go out, my bed is my hangout. And who wants to sit in a room with a girl and her dog who won't stop licking you the whole time? But, hey, I deal with it. And to those friends who stick around, you rock!

Huge thanks to my mom and dad for toughing out the trip to the Clinic. Just knowing they were waiting outside of the exam room made the ordeal that much more bearable.

More than one occasion when the pain of the test was severe, I found myself spamming bible verse quotes in my head.

Thank you Lord, for the peace You gave me and the strength to endure all the tests.

Now it's time to sleep a few days and recover...

Oyasumi nasai.
Good Night.